Getting Through Unhappy Holidays

The signs are all there: intricate pumpkin and mum arrangements on front porches, Christmas tree displays in local hardware stores and that giant coffee chain switching to their red cups. The holidays are approaching. This yearly occurrence evokes feelings of excitement and anticipation for many, but for some, it can trigger sadness, anxiety, irritability and dread. Why would anyone have such a negative response to this joyful time of year?

As a licensed counselor, I have sat with countless clients who feel drained by the schedule and expectations of the holiday season. They try to push through, attending all the parties, programs and family gatherings, all the while wishing they could crawl into a hole and skip the whole thing. “What’s wrong with me?” they ask, and often I respond, “Nothing is wrong with you. This is grief.”

Grief is a normal response to loss. If you’ve lived for any time at all, you know that life is full of loss. Therefore, grief is a part of life. Grief is always hard, but it seems to be amplified by the holiday season. Why?  For starters, the holidays have a heavy focus on family, togetherness and joy. These things are particularly painful when grieving the loss of a loved one. All the traditions, mixed with memories of years past, keep the person’s absence front and center and the pain acute.

The reality is grief is not just limited to death. All sorts of circumstances can evoke a grief response, including things we wanted or needed but never received. We have been fed an idealized version of the holiday season. From Hallmark movies to picture-perfect families on social media and Christmas cards, we are sold the message that every family should get along and share joyful moments all season long. Unfortunately, most of us don’t have perfect families. Difficult family relationships or dynamics that we might normally keep at bay with distance can become supercharged at holiday family gatherings. Being back in these relational contexts can bring up wounds from the past and leave us feeling deeply lonely.

Here are some strategies to help you get through the season.

‍

Change it up

It can feel daunting to engage in the usual holiday traditions right after a loss, so give yourself permission to do something different. As time goes on, there may be traditions that you take a break from, others that you discontinue altogether and new traditions that form. After the unexpected death of my mother, our family decided to travel to New York City for Christmas. This allowed us to celebrate the season together while taking us out of a setting that would have been flooded with painful memories. That decision gave us the pacing we needed that first year. Since then, we have returned to many of the family traditions that we hold dear, and we have also formed new ones.

‍

Make a plan 

Anticipating the big dates of holidays or anniversaries can be anxiety-provoking. Having a clear plan for the day, with expectations set among your loved ones, can help to reduce stress and uncertainty.

‍

Say no 

Holidays can be overwhelming. Give yourself permission to be choosy about which events you'll attend.

‍

Find your people 

Your people may not always be your biological family. Spend time with people who help you feel safe, supported and loved.

‍

Take breaks 

Allow yourself to step away from people who become overwhelming.

‍

Maintain your self-care 

When life gets busy and stressful it seems that our self-care is the first thing to go. Prioritize exercise, rest, nutrition, enjoyed hobbies and time with supportive people.

‍

Practice self-compassion 

Simply put, notice your emotions and thoughts without judgment. Ride the wave of your emotions, rather than trying to stop or change them. To quote my colleague and mentor, Kelly Slaven, “When we resist our emotions, we extend our suffering.”

Grief is real and valid. It's a longing for wholeness and restoration that will always be with us on this side of heaven. Until that great day, may the God who “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,”(Psalms 147:3) be a comfort to you.